karma is a bitch

I can buy into
the idea
that what goes around
comes around,
or that for every action
there is an opposite
and equal reaction.
so when eric sherman
broke my heart in 1994
it was only fair
that I returned the favor
two years later.
that's karma.
what troubles me
is when we throw the past
into the present,
previous lives
swirling
and mingling
with the now.
I break the big toe
on my right foot
now
for some unknown
injury
I caused
in a lifetime
I cannot recall.
as if
I can fix something
I don’t know
that I broke.
and then there is freewill
and destiny
and rising signs
and planetary alignment…
so many things
beyond my control.
the only logical conclusion
is that
karma is a bitch
in spiked heels
and a black cocktail dress
with fat, red collagen lips
smiling
over pearly whites
every time
I get
what's coming.

misconception

I have always
believed
that
a needle between the
toes
or
an open
wound
on the gum
was the most
intense physical
pain,
but
there is nothing,
nothing
like
the emptiness
of
wanting.

quiet

what can be said
when there is too much to say,

the voice inside

too loud,

speaking over itself

in an effort to control,

to destroy.

instead,

the silence

says it all.

painting, above, by kelly vivanco: 'quiet'

quotable

I'm not really a "quote" person, but I came across this one last year. It was on a handout that the counselor who I work with put out for our character education program. The same handout appeared in my in-box this afternoon. April's "character trait" is responsibility. This quote really spoke to me - and it is also from my favorite counseling theorist, Albert Ellis, who was the catalyst behind REBT (rational emotive (cognitive) behavioral therapy).



"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

I thought this was a particularly great shot of Dr. Ellis from the late 40s. Quite dramatic!

kmala is bored. kmala is procrastinating.

I want to do everything. here is a short list of things I want to do.

- get my license to practice counseling privately in NJ (i.e. the LPC)

- learn Hindi

-learn Bharatanatyam

- open up a tea shop and become an official chai maharani

- do yoga everyday and maybe even teach

- take a vacation to Maldives - more specifically here.

- become fluent in French...again.

- get my doctorate... in something.

- cook something fresh and yummy everyday.

- teach/live abroad, preferrably in India, but I'm not completely attached to there.

on the eve of thirty

options

I consider my options.
pop them into my mouth,
let them sit
on my tongue
too long.
chew them up.
spit them out.
reconsider.
put them under a microscope.
look closer.
pick them apart.
watch them multiply,
mutate
like a cancer.
and they scream at me,
'you can do anything!
you can do everything!'
they hurt.
and I am overwhelmed,
surrounded
by the indecision
they leave
behind.

bonus

in case you were wondering, this is what the form of gopisvara mahadeva looks like at vamsivata.

this is my daughter's sketch that she did while we were there. pretty good, right?

my husband's sketch was left with the murti wallah in vraj. we'll probably never see it again.