back, maybe, by demand (though not very popular)

ok, I should totally be doing something else. I have lots of other things to do - homework. writing lesson plans. updating my sub plans. learning to sleep with my eyes open. but alas, I am here. I haven't written in a while mostly because I haven't had the time. when I don't have time, usually I end up lacking inspiration as well. but I've been inspired by my friend devadeva to start up again. I'm really glad that she stared blogging again and is also encouraging me to do so. I think I would be even happier if she would send me some croissants. with chocolate drizzled over them. but I digress...

so what have I been up to all these many months? well, let's see...



for starters, I'm ten weeks into the forty week journey of baby growing. yes, indeed, my husband and I are expecting. we're all really excited. everything seems to be going really well, except the whole nausea/indigestion and getting fat part.

so that leads to the getting fat part... unfortunately the only thing that seems to be making me feel better these days is to eat. and eat more. heavy on the carbs and the dairy. this is bad because it's all going straight to my ever-growing ars. I know they say you show sooner with a second pregnancy... but seriously... really? must it come this quickly??

I started the Marriage and Family Therapy EdS program at The College of New Jersey this semester. It's a twenty-four credit post-MA program that I can use to work towards my state licensure. It's pretty intense, but I do like it. I'm struggling a bit with how I will manage it next semester, what to speak of next year when I have a new baby. but I'm trying to be sensible and just take it one day at a time... baby steps.

I'm still not working as a counselor. this sucks big time. I'm still teaching, though I transferred to another school and am now teaching at my county Juvenile Detention facility. it's not as bad as it sounds, and actually there are a lot of benefits. I'd still rather be counseling though, and that is somewhat depressing.

my husband is in his last semester of his undergraduate studies completing his student teaching. this is both exciting and scary. it's exciting because this means he's really almost done. it's scary because he's going to have to start looking for a real teaching job. it's even scarier because the market really sucks ars (hence why I'm not counseling...) and his subject area (art education) is really hard to get into. but I'm totally keeping a postive perspective and think things will really work out.

my daughter, madhavi-devi, has been dancing up a storm. she spent her summer doing multiple performances of her bharatanatyam dance about Sri Krishna throughout the tri-state. a few weeks ago she had the privledge to be the opening act for Karnamrita dasi (her total hero!) at the Astanga Yoga Center in New York.

I've been struggling a lot with my Krishna conciousness... though this is nothing new. I've been reflecting on it more and more now that I'm pregnant. I don't like that I'm growing a spirit soul in such bad consciousness. I've been trying to look at what I can change and what I can do to improve, though I'm seeing how I am caught in a few vicious cycles. old habits die hard...maybe? anyway, I don't want to get into that too much, but it's in the front of my brain right now, so I thought I'd let it out. I still have faith in guru and Krishna, don't get me wrong. it just feels harder now than it ever has in the past.

hmmm... I think that's pretty much it. So, where to go from here? I guess I'm not really sure. I'd like to write more often, though I don't know how practical it will be. I guess we'll see what comes about...

karma is a bitch

I can buy into
the idea
that what goes around
comes around,
or that for every action
there is an opposite
and equal reaction.
so when eric sherman
broke my heart in 1994
it was only fair
that I returned the favor
two years later.
that's karma.
what troubles me
is when we throw the past
into the present,
previous lives
swirling
and mingling
with the now.
I break the big toe
on my right foot
now
for some unknown
injury
I caused
in a lifetime
I cannot recall.
as if
I can fix something
I don’t know
that I broke.
and then there is freewill
and destiny
and rising signs
and planetary alignment…
so many things
beyond my control.
the only logical conclusion
is that
karma is a bitch
in spiked heels
and a black cocktail dress
with fat, red collagen lips
smiling
over pearly whites
every time
I get
what's coming.

misconception

I have always
believed
that
a needle between the
toes
or
an open
wound
on the gum
was the most
intense physical
pain,
but
there is nothing,
nothing
like
the emptiness
of
wanting.

quiet

what can be said
when there is too much to say,

the voice inside

too loud,

speaking over itself

in an effort to control,

to destroy.

instead,

the silence

says it all.

painting, above, by kelly vivanco: 'quiet'

quotable

I'm not really a "quote" person, but I came across this one last year. It was on a handout that the counselor who I work with put out for our character education program. The same handout appeared in my in-box this afternoon. April's "character trait" is responsibility. This quote really spoke to me - and it is also from my favorite counseling theorist, Albert Ellis, who was the catalyst behind REBT (rational emotive (cognitive) behavioral therapy).



"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

I thought this was a particularly great shot of Dr. Ellis from the late 40s. Quite dramatic!

kmala is bored. kmala is procrastinating.

I want to do everything. here is a short list of things I want to do.

- get my license to practice counseling privately in NJ (i.e. the LPC)

- learn Hindi

-learn Bharatanatyam

- open up a tea shop and become an official chai maharani

- do yoga everyday and maybe even teach

- take a vacation to Maldives - more specifically here.

- become fluent in French...again.

- get my doctorate... in something.

- cook something fresh and yummy everyday.

- teach/live abroad, preferrably in India, but I'm not completely attached to there.

on the eve of thirty

options

I consider my options.
pop them into my mouth,
let them sit
on my tongue
too long.
chew them up.
spit them out.
reconsider.
put them under a microscope.
look closer.
pick them apart.
watch them multiply,
mutate
like a cancer.
and they scream at me,
'you can do anything!
you can do everything!'
they hurt.
and I am overwhelmed,
surrounded
by the indecision
they leave
behind.